Since the birth of my first child 5 years ago I’ve struggled through dark places trying to figure my life out. In the first few months, I oscillated between Mama Bear – wanting to protect her with my life, and hating my ‘new life’, mourning my loss of womanhood.
The struggles of motherhood
I went through periods of unworthiness when I was spending my time cleaning, feeding and putting her to bed instead of working in my ‘high-flying’ career. I felt like I was wasting my life, doing menial housework while my husband continued working at his job full time.
When I went back to work, I felt guilty that I was handing over my child to strangers instead of nurturing her myself as all good mothers should.
When I had my second baby (now almost 3 years old!), I felt the bond break between my first child and me as she clung to her father, not understanding why I chose the new baby over her.
In all that time, my husband and I went through the toughest time in our relationship. I was resentful of him having time away at the office every day. He was resentful of me being at home instead of working. We were both exhausted and broken.
The last 5 years were the hardest in my life. There were many lovely memories and wonderful times. However, it was marked by struggle, pain and hardship as well. Becoming a mom was earth-shattering, and not always in a good way.
I’ve done this more than a few times when life gets over-overwhelming (that’s more overwhelming than overwhelming)
Motherhood can be isolating
What made it worse was that I didn’t understand it. I knew I wasn’t coping but I didn’t know what exactly I was trying to cope with. Was it sleepless nights? Loss of my career? My ‘girl-hood’? I didn’t know. All I know was that I was drowning. And I had no idea what the life-saver looks like.
Looking back, I realized I was fighting against being a mother. I wanted the old me back. I mourned for the woman before she became ‘just a mother’.
Most moms admit that motherhood is hard, but in a vague, camaraderie kind of way – ‘Yes, it’s hard. We are all going through it, but we’ll survive’.
Not many admit to how often they feel like running away, leaving their kids and husband behind just so they can hear themselves think.
This sense of isolation made me feel worse. Am I the only mom who is failing here?
No I’m not alone. And no, you’re not alone either.
Matrescence – the first step to acceptance
I want to introduce you to one word:
MATRESCENCE
When I first came across the concept of matrescence, a lightbulb went on in my head and I felt a lightness of heart.
Yes, it was that profound.
Nothing in my life had changed. But knowing that there is a word for what I went through and am still going through felt like my own Mama Bear is giving me a very warm and snuggly hug.
I have Amy Taylor-Kabbaz to thank for this life-changing moment:
Check it out on AmazonWhat is matrescence?
Matrescence is a term that refers to the process of becoming a mother and the developmental phase of new motherhood. It is a transitionary time when a woman’s body, identity, and relationships shift, similar to the transition of adolescence.
Read that again.
If you only remember one thing from this article, remember this word:
Matrescence.
This beautiful word explains all that we are going through as mothers. All the struggles, ups and downs and upheavals that we have endured is part of matrescence.
It is normal. We are normal.
And we are not alone.
All mothers go through this.
Matrescence is a phase
Similar to adolescence, some of us struggle with matrescence more than others. But like adolescence, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We will find out way out of the tunnel.
And you will emerge as a new person. You’re still you. But not the you of before – together with child-you and teenage-you, that woman is now part of your beautiful history.
The new you will emerge
The new you is a mother.
I’m not going to lie to you. The journey to the ‘new you’ is tough. I’m not there yet.
But there is hope for all of us. Because there is a word for what we are going through – Matrescence.
- The $10K framework for a regular mom - September 1, 2024
- Using the Ticktick Eisenhower Matrix for my $10K Framework - September 1, 2024
- One daily chore you can do to keep up with housework - September 1, 2024